I don’t want to imply that I am not perfect or any such silly nonsense, but a week ago I made a pact with one of my blogging buddies to a
fearsomefriendly competition to see who can lose the most weight by the end of the year. This idea has taken off a bit, and a few others seem to want to join in the fun. I am not saying I really have a weight issue here. It’s more like a height issue. I am about a foot too short for my weight.
Anyway, after the first round numbers came in, I decided to help all and sundry (whoever this sundry fellow might be) with my hard learned skills for exercise and weight loss. I want to make sure everyone has a fair chance at this challenge. So here are a few tips I have learned that might help:
- Serving sizes bear no resemblance whatsoever to a human appetite. Whatever “they” suggest, it is wise to eat at least three times that amount.
- Getting out of bed counts as a sit-up. Going back to bed counts as a leg bend. If you do this enough times in a day, your practically have a full work out already.
- Make sure your kitchen is at least two flights of stairs from your bedroom. Going up and down stairs for snacks is good aerobic exercise.
- Make sure your foods are heavy. That way you give your arms a good workout too. Don’t forget your triceps. I recommend a two door fridge so both triceps get worked equally.
- Scales are made by mean-spirited sprites who want to make you cry. They always lie (unless they feel guilt or fear and then they will tell you what you want to hear).
- Heed your body. If your body screams at you “I need a triple chocolate layer cake al-a-mode, with extra whip-cream!!!”, LISTEN to it! Your body would never lie to you (unlike scales).
- Holiday calories do NOT count. Neither do sports calories, dinner party calories, vacation calories, or celebration calories. Chocolate has no calories by definition.
- If you are sweating it is working. Hang out in very hot rooms, that way you don’t have to work as hard for the benefits.
- Make sure you watch plenty of food commercials, but avoid those pesky exercise shows and infomercials.
- After a good workout, it is always wise to relax with a drink or three. You need to reward yourself for your commitment to better health.
Once again, if you thoroughly ignore all of these tips, as well as anything that sounds even remotely like them, you will be shredding pounds in not time. Good luck campers!