It is my personal belief that Hallmark is actually a branch of the Illuminati in its never-ending quest for world domination and manipulating history. I don’t have a lot of proof, but there are signs. Think about it. All these little holidays that really don’t mean much of anything. And the technology is constantly advancing. Cards that allow one to record their own messages. A dream tool for subliminal advertising!!
I mean do you really think that a sappy card and brunch on one day will make up for 364 days of terrorizing mom? Or that dad really needs a silly card to have an excuse to drink beer, watch sports and barbecue? Seriously now. And as if your friends and family really need that extra second to read a card before they open up their gifts on birthdays and Christmas.
It must be a conspiracy!
The worst one though, is the dreaded Valentine’s Day. I am pretty sure St. Valentine was a Templar, which should be enough to prove the conspiracy. But beyond that, what does Valentine’s Day actually DO for anyone? As far as I can tell, for those mesmerized by the evil wizards of Hallmark, it just proves who actually controls any relationship … namely the woman. And convinces the rest of the public that they will always be alone and unloved. I guess the theory is that if they emasculate all the men and make every one else have an inferiority complex no one will have the gumption to fight back when the invasion comes. And who could really trust a Holiday devoted to relationships that has the initials VD?
The conspiracy is more subtly evil than that. The true power of the “holidays” is that they provide every excuse in the book to have “sales”. Since sales themselves are just another way to convince the masses that they are actually getting something special when all they are really doing is financially supporting the Evil Empire, it seems suitable.
Take, for example, an ad I recently got in my email. it was from Apple, and said: Buy an iPod or iPod mini, the perfect gift for Valentines day. I will admit that much can be said about people who own Apple products, but romantic is definitely not one of the words that comes to mind. It’s almost as Valentiney as buying tires or plumbing supplies. Unless, of course, they are red. That would make all the difference (thanks Mom for pointing that out).
I do find it somehow appropriate, though that I see my heart doctor on Valentine’s Day. I wonder if I will get a discount?